Mustard Flat-Steak

Men like steak.

We barbecue big slabs of it and then eat it in giant bites, like a lion eating a carcass before the hyenas close in.

As withmost food, its the volume that counts.  Quality is nice but hey, if it was cooked on a grill, how bad can it be.

Today, we'll cook with spices.  Just a few so don't get overly concerned.

What you will need:

A hammer
A garlic press (more on this in a minute)
A frying pan

One steak
A tablespoon of mustard (any kind)
Two cloves of garlic (more on this in a minute)
Salt and pepper
Optional: Costco Monterey Steak seasoning (replaces salt and pepper)
A bit of flour
A tablespoon of butter

Step 1
Clean off your hammer.

Step 2
Use your hammer to pound the steak flat.  When you are done it should be about half as thick as it was when you started.  It will also be much wider.  There is a utensil for doing this but I don't see any reason for getting one since you will only make this occasionally.

Step 3
Spread the mustard generously (thickly) on both sides of the steak.

Step 4
Add either the salt and pepper or the Costco seasoning to both sides.

Step 5
Peel the outer skin off of three cloves of garlic.  A clove of garlic is similar to a slice of an orange.  The easiest way to get the skin off is to press down sharply on the clove with the base of your hand.  This will squish the clove and loosen the outer skin.  Place the cloves into a garlic press.  A garlic press looks sort of like a nutcraker.  It smooshes the garlic for you.  Spread the smooshed garlic on both sides of the steak.

Step 6
Sprinkle flour on each side of the steak

Step 7
Melt the butter in the frying pan with the heat set on high.

Step 8
Cook the steak in the frying pan.  I'd go with about 4-5 minutes a side.  This depends on how rare you want your steak and how thick it is.

Eat using big bites and enjoy.  I'd suggest small bites but you wouldn't listen anyway.  I know I wouldn't.

Jim

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Swiss Cheese Pogacsa

It's time to try our hand at baking.

Today we are going to make Hungarian Pogacsa (po-gotcha).  This is a flavorful biscuit that is good for another inch or two should you be looking to add to your waste line.  I did some experimenting with online recipes before making my own (which we will be using).

The first thing you need to know is that any type of cooking that involves yeast is fairly similar to witchcraft.  We've all seen our moms make homemade bread and it all looked so easy.  The fact is that star alignment and ritual sacrifice may have been playing a role.

However, I have  broken the code.  So let's bake.

What you will need:

A giant bowl, like something you could put fruit in.
A small bowl, like something for cereal
A cheese grater with both small and large sized grates
A measuring cup
A wooden spoon
Some wax paper
A cookie sheet
A teaspoon
A small glass about 2 inches across at the top
Rolling pin
A small paint brush

4 cups of flour
1 cup of cottage cheese (warmed to room temperature)
1 cup of milk (warmed to room temperature)
1 stick of melted butter
1 cup of finely grated swiss cheese
1 cup of coarsely grated swiss cheese
1 rounded teaspoon of yeast
1 egg yoke and 2 egg yokes.
1 rounded teaspoon of sugar (powdered)
1/2 teaspoon of salt (at most)
Eye of newt (kidding)

Before you start, there are a couple of things you need to know about yeast.  First of all, it's not a precise thing.  For example, a teaspoon of yeast will be good for 2 cups of flour or 4 cups of flour.  I spent a lot of time assuming I needed to have an exact amount.  Secondly, Yeast is what you need to make the dough rise which in turn makes the bread fluffy.  Yeast won't work if the temperature is too cold or too warm.  So wherever the yeast is, try to keep is warmish. Finally, yeast is a living, single-celled organism that dies when exposed to salt.  So go easy on the salt and don't add until its time to cook (by then the yeast has done its job).

With regards to egg yokes.  To separate an egg yoke from the clear part.  Break the egg in half and pour the yoke back and forth, allowing the clear part to overflow, preferably into the sink.

Warm up the milk in the microwave until it it just above room temperature.  Not hot!

Put the milk in a small bowl with the sugar and the yeast.  It will start to foam after a few minutes.  This is just the yeast doing yeast type stuff.

In the giant bowl, add the flour, the cottage cheese and the melted butter.  Stir with a big wooden spoon for a couple of minutes.  Note that there is not really enough moisture here to absorb all of the flour.  Don't worry about that.

After the milk/sugar/yeast has been mixed  and set aside for 10 minutes, add it to the flour, along with one egg yoke and the finely grated Swiss cheese.  Stir with the wooden spoon for two minutes.  Then, set aside the spoon and mix this all with your hands.  Continue to mix it until the dough takes on a shiny appearance and it stops sticking to your hands. I've noticed that sometimes the dough stays very sticky.   When that happens, I add more flour, a tablespoon at a time, until it becomes merely "tacky." (tacky = just a little sticky).

Leave the dough in the giant bowl.  Cover it with a sheet of wax paper and a dish cloth.  Set it in a oven that is turned off but has the internal light turned on. This will make it slightly warm in the oven, but not too warm.

Wait two hours.

When you pull the bowl out of the oven, you should see that the dough is magically about twice the size it was when you put it in there.  This is because the yeast has been forming little bubbles in the dough.  If it has not "risen", try burning some incense and maybe chanting a little bit.  The gods need to be suitably impressed or your yeast will not work.

Punch the dough with your fist.  This will cause it to deflate a bit.  Sprinkle on the salt and work it in with your hands for about 30 seconds.  Set the covered dough back into the oven for 30 minutes.

Take the dough out of the oven and set the oven temperature to 350 degrees.

Find a wide open space on your counter and sprinkle flour on it.  Plop the dough onto the counter and roll it out with a rolling pin until it is about 1/4 of an inch thick.  Fold in half twice and roll out again.  Fold in half twice again and roll out again.  You can do this a third time if you want to practice with your rolling pin.

Finally, roll out the dough until it is about 1/2 inch thick.

Take the cookie sheet and cover it with a sheet of wax paper.

Take the small glass, turn it upside down and use it as a cookie cutter.  Cut out circular biscuits and place them on the cookie sheet.

In your small bowl, which you have rinsed out, place two egg yokes.  Stir them with your small paint brush.  Then, use the paint brush to spread the yokes across the tops of your biscuits.

Lastly, sprinkle the coarsely grated Swiss cheese across the tops of the biscuits.

Cook at 350 for 25-30 minutes.

Eat and enjoy.

I know this seems like a lot of work but once you have all of the stuff ready to go, it takes a few minutes (not counting the time the dough is rising.)

Jim

Mexican Deviled Eggs

I just made these as an experiment.

I have to admit that I wasn't paying that much attention to the measurements so you will have to make adjustments to suit your taste.

What you will need.

Bowl and fork, spoon and pot for boiling eggs
1 tablespoon of mustard (a tablespoon is the bigger of the two spoon sizes, but should never be confused with the granddaddy of spoons - The Ladle).
1 tablespoon of Mayo
Three heaping tablespoons of Mexican cheese salsa (in salsa section - its the orange one)
A pinch a salt (with salt, always start small and add more if you need it)

Boil you eggs.  As a refresher on egg boiling.  Put eggs in water and boil.  When water starts to boil.  Turn  off the heat and let the eggs just sit in the hot water.  After 10 minutes, put the eggs under cold water.  After 5 minutes or so in the cold water, peel eggs.  You can wait until later to peel the eggs but it may be messier.

Cut eggs in half.  Put the yoke in a bowl and set the outer halves aside; you will need them soon enough.

Once all of the egg yokes are in a bowl, add the salt, mustard, mayo and Mexican cheese sauce.  Mush all of this together with a fork.  It should be lumpy and creamy at the same time.  If it's too lumpy, as some more of the ingredients.  Don't ask me which.  I really don't think it's important so long as you have plenty of the Mexican cheese salsa in there.

Use the spoon to fill the outer half eggs.  Put as much in each shell as you like.  If you end up with just enough stuff to fill the very last shell, then you are paying too close attention.  I always have too much of one or the other.

Now, as you look at the giant tray of delicacies, set a mental limit on how many you intend to eat right now.  Failure to do this will result in bloat.

Eat and enjoy.

jim

Noodle Wieners

As men, we all like food that is (a) filling, (b) tasty and (c) fun to play with.

This gem fulfills all three of these needs.

I am going to give you a simple version followed by a more complex version and then some optional features.

What you will need:

Package of spaghetti (hard word to spell)

At least 10 wieners

A jar of spaghetti sauce (easy version)

A can of whole corn (advanced version)

A can of red beans (advanced version)

A pound of hamburger (advanced version)

Tomato Paste (ask someone in the store if you need help)

Package of enchilada seasoning (advanced version)

Two handfulls of shredded cheese (optional)

Sour Cream (optional)

Simple Version

Step 1:  Cut the wieners into one-inch segments. 

• Step 2:  Slide, uncooked (otherwise this is a really hard step) spaghetti through the wieners, 2 to 4 strands apiece.
• Step 3:  Boil just as you would any spaghetti with the following condition:  Do not allow the water to boil aggressively.  I did this on my first batch and the wieners sort of exploded.  So keep the water hot but not “rolling”.  It should take about 10 minutes to cook.
• Step 4: Drain water, add sauce and eat.

Complicated (and more tasty) Version

Steps 1 through 3 are the same as above.

Now we need to make our own “sauce”

• Step 1:  Cook the hamburger until all the pink is gone.
• Step 2:  Add half a small can of tomato paste, half a cup of water and a tablespoon of Enchilada seasoning. Stir until well blended.
• Step 3: Add a can of corn and a can of red beans. Stir until everything is warm
• Step 4:  Use this concoction like sauce.  It will be much thicker but that is okay.

Optional(s)

Sprinkle shredded cheese over the top.

Add a dollop (a unit of measure equal to a huge heaping tablespoon) of sour cream.

Eat and enjoy

Mexican Fried Eggs

This is really, really good.

It's also very easy to make.

What you'll need:
1 pound of Hamburger
1 package of taco sause (the kind you add water to)
a small can of tomato paste
3-5 eggs, depending on how hungry you are.

Cook the hamburger until all of the pink is gone.  Drain off excess oil.

Mix the taco sauce with water and tomato paste according to the instructions.  It's probably a good idea to read the instructions on the package before you leave the store in case you bought something more exotic than Safeway's finest.

Mix the sauce with the hamburger and then let sit on low heat for five minutes.  Drain off excess watery sauce.

Fry up your eggs and put them on a plate.

Put one heaping tablespoon of hamburger/sauce mix on each egg.

Eat and enjoy.

jim

Bologna Stack

First of all, if it weren't for the Oscar Mayer song, I would have no idea how to spell bologna.

This is a quickie that is high on flavor, low on appearance and is probably not the healthiest thing you will eat all day.

What you will need:

8 slices of bologna
mustard
4 slices of American cheese or any cheese that comes in sliced squares
Two tablespoons of chopped onions
Two tablespoons of chopped olives
Two tablespoons of chopped tomatoes (or diced if that is a better word.)

Now, what we are going to do is stack everything into a big pile, heat and eat.

It should be noted that the three ingredients of "Two Tablespoons" are approximate in size and can be left out or exchanged for other ingredients to suit your taste.

Let's start stacking.

Place two slices of bologna on a plate, slightly overlapping so they form a figure 8.  This is your base level.

Cover the slices with mustard, a lot or a little, its up to you.

Add sliced/diced tomato

Add a slice of American Cheese

At another "figure 8" of bologna.

Add the diced onions and a slice of cheese

Add a third "figure 8" of bologna

Add the chopped olives and a slice of cheese.

Add another "figure 8" of bologna and top off with the last slice of cheese.

Heat in the microwave at high (as if there were any other setting) for 2 minutes.

Eat and enjoy.

Paprika Chicken

I have taken a very complicated meal and made it simple.

What you need:

One chicken
One onion
Paprika (this is a red spice you can find in the spice section of most grocery stores)
Rice
About a quarter stick of butter

Let's start with the rice.  Pick the style you most prefer.  I suggest you look at the previous blog.  For me, I use four cups of water and two cups of brown rice.  Boil the water, add the rice, cover and cook at lowest setting for about 50 minutes.

Now for the chicken.

I recommend buying chicken already cut up.  You can cut it up yourself but you will need either, a special kind of scissors or a saw.  There are ways to cut up a chicken with a knife but this requires some attention to detail and who wants to bother with that.

Set the cut up chicken aside.  Now, find a frying pan with tall sides and a lid.  This is a fairly hard combination to come by so you can use a regular frying pan and then transfer everything to a pot with a lid later on.

Chop up your onion into whatever size pieces you like.  I have heard that if you chew gum while doing this, your eyes won't water.  If that works, let me know.

Over a high heat, melt the butter in the pan and then add the onion bits.  I think this is called saute-ing but maybe not.  In any event, stir to keep the onion from burning and continue until the union becomes glassy or sort of clear.  This should take about 5 minutes.

Add the chicken pieces.  For about 5 minutes, flip the chicken around in the butter and onions.  This will feel kind of clunky since the chicken pieces are likely to be big.  What you want to do is cook the chicken long enough to get rid of visible pink.  The meat will still be pink on the inside but white on the outside.  If this has not been achieved in 5 minutes, check to make sure the heat is turned on.

Now, let's assume you are going to use a pot.  If you are a single man, this may be problematic because there is a chance that you only own one pot and it is currently cooking rice.  Maybe I should have mentioned that earlier.  This is a perfect opportunity to borrow a pot from the cute girl down the hall.  Make sure she knows you are cooking with fire (as opposed to the microwave).  This sends the subliminal signal that you are at least partially domesticated; a definite turn-on as this represents less work for her down the road.

Back to cooking.

Put the chicken/onion/butter mess into the pot.  Add about 4 heaping tablespoons of Paprika.  This seems like a lot but its okay; after all this isn't salt.  Now, add enough water to cover the chicken.  Stir until the Paprika is dissolved in the water.  Bring water to boil, then reduce heat to minimum and cover.  Cook for 45 minutes.

By now you have forgotten completely about your rice so check the time.  DO NOT uncover the rice until 50 minutes has passed.  The rice should be done before this next step with the chicken.  If there is still water in the rice, test the rice to make sure its soft.  If its not, cover and cook for a few more minutes.  If it is soft, drain off the excess water and set aside.

Back to the chicken.

After 45 minutes, the chicken is barely hanging on the bone.  One piece at a time, take the chicken out.  Take the skin off the piece and set aside (the skin not the chicken).  Take the meat off the bone and put it back into the pot (the meat not the bone).  Be careful because chickens sometimes have secret bones that are easy to overlook.  Throw the bones away.

Gather up all of the chicken skin and feed it to your dog saying, "Whose a good boy?"

By now, we have a pot full of chicken meat and red water.  We have another pot filled with rice.  In a giant bowl, mix the two pots.  Add salt and pepper to taste.  I'm not sure what this means but I know it when I taste it.  I start with 1 heaping teaspoon each of pepper and salt.  Stir it in and taste.  Remember, its always easy to add a little more salt.  It's a real pain to try and take out salt if you find you've added to much.  So be careful.

This is enough food to last a person for a week.  However, single guys tend to base their consumption on flavor and how much spare room they have in their stomach.  This stuff is delicious so I give it 2 days at the most.

Enjoy.

Jim